Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year, New Post, New Outlook

I've debated writing this over and over in my head. 
Eventually I figured I needed to write it for myself rather than as an excuse to others about my almost year-long absence from blogging. And what a better place to do it. So here it is.

Warning: it's not about vintage (entirely).

When you're dealing with health issues a number of emotions go through you. I think number one is embarrassment- especially if it's something that people can't physically see. Double that if it's also something doctors are telling you isn't real. You feel crazy because they make you feel crazy. In the past couple of years, but this year in particular, I've made the rounds through doctors and have had so much radiation blasted into me I probably glow in the dark. But there's nothing ever there. I barely want to discuss it with the next new doctor I get pushed on to because once that seed of doubt is put in your mind it sticks. So I definitely didn't want to put it out into the world and let others decide for themselves what they think they see.
So, number two is the (probably) false sense that somebody somewhere out there is going to agree and think you're putting all this out there for attention when the exact opposite is true. The judgement of others has never been a deep concern of mine except regarding just this. I would never want somebody to pity me, either. I'm too head-strong and stubborn for that. So what does one like me do? Publicly I pretend it's not there. I don't mention it. I gloss over it. Hiding away how I've been feeling has been the easiest way of coping even though it's made me somewhat of a recluse.

Sometimes life gives you lemons and you make lemonade.
Sometimes it throws the lemonade in your eyes and so you lie in bed and secretly cry about it.

And finally, number three, which is the point to this whole rambling manifesto. The searing pains in my legs and arms, chronic twitching, crippling fatigue, and various other less than pleasant new experiences have kept me from going out and living my life. I've mustered it together enough to keep the shop going because, well, I have to and I've even managed (with some looong breaks in between) to get some sewing projects done. But my beloved vintage lays by the wayside. I have make-up left untouched, still in the package, and wasted. My daily outfits are "whatever is comfortable" and that makes me sad. Not because comfortable isn't great, but because I want to wear what I want to wear. I want to do what I want to do.
My body just says "hell no".
But I need to move along. I need to forge ahead. Looking toward the new year and what possibilities lay ahead in my life and realizing that if I stay the way I've been I'm going to miss them is worse than any pain.
There are so many people out there worse off than me. While that does not negate what I'm feeling and the difficulties I'm personally experiencing, it does make me see that others can carry on to. So I'm going to try to move along with my life. The doctor visits will continue (I'm not giving up on figuring out what's going on with me), but in the mean time I think the outfit posts and job hunting and shop running and the less-serious-than-this-trust-me-I'm-not-always-this-sad-and-awkward writing will start up again. Because I love doing it. And because being "sick" (or, you know, "crazy") isn't all of who I am. Or, at least, it shouldn't be.

I've probably forgotten some of the things I wanted to say here, but I think the important part is that I've gotten it out. In a way. Even if no one reads it or even if they do. Doesn't really matter at this point because I probably won't mention it too much more after this.

I still don't have any answers as to what's going on, which I think is one of the most frustrating parts. Sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes I have good mornings, but bad afternoons.
So I'm going to still have days where I "just can't", but on those other days I have to "just try". 

And maybe I'll wipe the lemonade out of my eyes and put on a damn dress.


P.S. I didn't realize I could be so deep. I'm like Ernest Hemingway. Or Dr. Suess.

Oh yeah, and Happy New Year?

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